Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: Why Measured Praise Builds True Self-Esteem

Feedback is how we learn what matters—but it can shape motivation and self-worth in ways that last a lifetime. Too often, praise sounds like a grade: 'Great—an A!'; 'You’re so smart!'; or 'Awesome, you nailed it.' When someone struggles, it flips rapidly to negativity: 'You didn’t try hard enough,' or worse. Over time, this outcome-focused feedback creates anxiety and self-doubt—people learn their value is tied only to flawless achievement, not to their effort or creativity. Research in education and psychology calls this the difference between 'fixed' and 'growth' mindsets.

Process praise, on the other hand, recognizes the steps, resilience, and problem-solving strategies someone uses. This subtle but powerful shift helps people focus on improvement, learn from mistakes, and build real confidence. The science is clear: children and adults who receive process-oriented feedback take more risks, show greater perseverance, and recover faster from setbacks. Organizing family, school, and team environments around effort and curiosity—rather than perfection—creates space where setbacks are expected and growth is possible.

Switching to measured, thoughtful praise isn’t about false modesty or dulling down celebration. It’s about grounding achievement in what actually drives success, internally and over the long run.

Be alert this week for moments when you typically rush to say 'good job' or 'that was amazing.' Pause, and instead comment on what you noticed about someone's effort or process—especially when things got tough. Ask them how they felt about it and listen for what actually made them proud. If you catch yourself wanting to criticize, try to locate the step or strategy you can acknowledge as an improvement. Use this approach with yourself too—notice the times you kept going, tried a new approach, or just learned from a mistake. Make this your habit, and see how confidence—and real growth—builds up over time.