You Can’t Change Others, But Changing Yourself Changes Relationships

There’s a moment in every relationship when you want to hand the other person a checklist—“If you’d just do these things, we’d get along better!” But behavioral science underscores a humbling (and liberating) truth: the only person you can reliably change is yourself. The shift seems small, almost trivial, but it’s transformative.

A partner might habitually forget to thank you or always leave their shoes by the door. You grind your teeth, maybe argue or pout, but nothing sticks. Then, instead of waiting for them to change, you try something else. You offer a 'thank you' first, or quietly put away the shoes without comment, and see what follows. Sometimes, nothing shifts right away. But just as often, the dynamic evolves: the other person softens, reciprocates, or simply becomes less reactive, because you’re no longer fueling their habit with your old counter-habit.

Relationship researchers call this the 'Michelangelo effect': by holding your own positive vision and behaving from that place, you shape the atmosphere around you, chipping away at stuck patterns. Couples who do this—offering praise, showing patience—tend to get more cooperation and intimacy, without nagging or coercion.

It’s rarely easy. You may feel justified in your grievances. Still, the act of taking ownership over your own behavior yields more peace than waiting for an apology that may never come. Sometimes, you’ll even find the other person quietly following your new example—without either of you ever having a heavy talk.

Think honestly about a sticky dynamic in one relationship—it could be nagging a sibling or stewing over a roommate’s mess. Set a daily intention to change your own behavior, not theirs: maybe you offer encouragement where you’d usually criticize, or you show up consistently without waiting to be invited. Keep this new action going for a couple of weeks and notice what (if anything) shifts. This is your experiment, not theirs. The results often surprise, bringing either more harmony or a healthy sense that you’re doing your part, regardless of outcome. Give this a shot—it’s one thing you truly control.