Why Understanding 'Can’t vs. Won’t' Changes Everything About Difficult Behavior

Picture a familiar morning rush: your child stares blankly at the open closet, ten minutes late to get dressed—for the third day this week. Your first thought might be, 'They're lazy or just don’t care.' But what if there’s more? When we encounter resistance (a child dawdling at chores, a student refusing an assignment), our reflex is to presume it's a matter of will: they 'won’t' because they're stubborn or seeking attention. But behavioral science and developmental psychology tell a different story—capacity fluctuates based on skills, emotional state, and context, not just willpower.

Working through this framework starts with careful observation and honest self-talk. What if a child is overwhelmed by new buttons or worried about peer judgment? Or simply exhausted, distracted, or anxious about something else? By proactively listing possible 'can’t' factors—struggles with fine motor skills, fear of embarrassment, lack of sleep—you open space for empathy and solution-finding. Conversely, listing your automatic 'won’t' assumptions (they want to push my buttons, they don’t respect me) reveals where frustration may be masking understanding.

The crucial step is stepping back to weigh these lists, considering past patterns and the current context. Maybe yesterday she was fine, but today she’s emotionally off. When you consistently see 'can’t' factors, it’s a sign to switch gears: support skill-building, reduce external pressure, and prioritize connection. On the other hand, genuine 'won’t' responses may require different boundaries or consequences, but even then, a calm approach often yields better results than knee-jerk reactions.

Framing discipline with this 'can’t vs. won’t' lens powerfully shifts the tone of your response. It's not about excusing every behavior, but accurately understanding it. Research on self-regulation and executive function confirms that kids (and adults) do better when they feel understood and equipped, not labeled or shamed. Unpacking this idea takes work, but it’s a proven pathway toward fewer power struggles and better long-term outcomes.

Take a few minutes today to grab a notebook or your phone and write down the last couple of moments you felt frustrated with your child or someone you guide. List each incident, then brainstorm possible reasons they might have been unwilling, and separately, reasons they might have been unable. Reflect on the context, emotions, and past patterns before making your best assessment. When you see evidence of a 'can’t,' consider how you might better support skill-building or reduce demands. Next time, before reacting, pause to run this quick test. This mindset shift will fundamentally change your approach—and your relationships.