Why Denying Change Leads to Decline (Even When You Blame Others)

You get an email that a club you love is shutting down. Instantly, you’re irritated, maybe a little hurt, and your first thought is that it’s unfair. You send off a group text with a disappointed emoji, and your friends echo your frustration, blaming the organizers for being disorganized or ungrateful.

The next day, you catch yourself telling someone, 'If only they’d listened to us, we could have kept this going.' But as the week goes on, frustration sticks around, but solutions don't come. You notice you sleep worse, your motivation dips, and your thoughts spin around what was lost rather than what’s next.

Psychologists describe this as resistance—a natural defense when we're forced out of comfort. But here's the paradox: the more we “hold on” in denial, the less energy we have for new opportunities. Studies show that rumination (repeatedly dwelling on what’s unfair) increases stress and limits creative problem-solving. Resilience research points to this: Adaptation starts the minute we look for agency, not blame.

Next time you face an unexpected disappointment, quickly jot down your first reaction, including who you’re tempted to blame. Then look underneath and name what you’re really craving—maybe it’s a sense of security or fairness. Finally, write a new version of your response from the perspective of radical acceptance: what if you put blame aside and just considered your next best move? Even if it’s uncomfortable, notice how the energy changes. Try this reframing exercise the very next time you feel stuck—see if it helps you break through.