How Protective Parenting Limits Resilience—Finding the Right Dose of Challenge
Rebecca’s story isn’t flashy—she didn’t grow up with tutors or tightly scheduled activities or parents who micromanaged every aspect of her life. Her responsibilities started young, not just out of tradition, but necessity: with a widowed mother and several siblings, she became the reliable one, managing snacks, walking kids home, and mediating sibling spats. At first glance, this sounds harsh, yet Rebecca is cheerful, self-confident, and mature in ways her more protected peers sometimes aren’t. She didn’t have weekend sleepovers, extra camp activities, or the worry-free childhood pictured on Instagram. Instead, she gained something research in child development (and her own story) highlights: when kids encounter manageable challenges, with support but not constant protection, they build resilience and problem-solving skills that make adulthood less intimidating.
Contrast this with many families in recent years: parents, worried by news or cultural pressure, organize children’s days down to the minute, jump in to solve every problem, and rarely allow situations where their daughters must make uncomfortable choices or recover from their own missteps. At college, these kids often freeze at the first sign of stress.
What’s the difference? Not tough love, and definitely not neglect, but a willingness to introduce small, safe challenges that help kids fail, reflect, adapt, and try again. It’s harder for parents than it sounds—letting go of control is scary—but the payoff is gritty, creative young adults who are prepared for life’s inevitable hurdles.
Identify areas in daily life where you or your child rarely need to stretch—maybe you always step in during chores or smooth over school struggles before they spiral. This week, pick just one new challenge; let your child walk to the store solo or solve a conflict without adult intervention. Afterward, don’t just move on—debrief together, sharing what was hard, what was surprising, and what you’d both try differently next time. Over time, these controlled experiments with stress teach resilience better than any motivational speech. Go ahead, give a challenge a try this week and see what emerges.
What You'll Achieve
Foster emotional resilience, increase self-efficacy, and prepare for real-world stress by practicing handling and reflecting on manageable challenges, ultimately leading to more capable and confident teens.
Intentionally Introduce Manageable Stressors
Identify areas where you or your child rarely face challenges.
Notice contexts—at home, school, or activities—where everything is prepared to avoid failure or frustration.
Choose realistic responsibilities or risks to try.
Assign a new task like making dinner for the family, taking public transport alone, or troubleshooting homework without immediate help.
Reflect together on what was learned from small setbacks.
After facing a minor problem, talk about what went wrong, what worked, and how you would handle it differently, focusing on learning not perfection.
Reflection Questions
- Where might you or your child be overprotected from challenge?
- How did you learn from a recent failure or difficult moment?
- What realistic risk could you introduce this month?
- How do you reflect on stressful experiences—do you focus on blame, or learning?
Personalization Tips
- A parent lets a middle-schooler manage their own schedule for a week, discussing what was challenging after each day.
- A teacher assigns group work with limited adult guidance, then facilitates reflection on the interpersonal challenges.
- A teen volunteers for a cause that requires handling new, unpredictable situations, learning to recover from mistakes on the fly.
Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
Ready to Take Action?
Get the Mentorist app and turn insights like these into daily habits.