The Surprising Developmental Value—and Risks—of Childhood Lying

Children lie often—sometimes as much as every hour, studies show. But this doesn’t mean they’re on a path to moral ruin. In fact, learning to lie is a developmental milestone that hinges on understanding other people's thoughts and emotions. It’s a sign of increased cognitive skill. Yet, how adults respond to these early lies can shape whether honesty or deception takes root as the lasting habit.

For example, a child who is confronted with a stern question about something a parent already knows—'Did you draw on the wall?'—is cornered into self-defense. If you spring traps, you teach them to get better at covering their tracks, rather than understanding the why of the rule or the value of honesty. When lies are linked only to punishment, kids just become sneakier.

Nevertheless, making room for honest mistakes and rewarding truthful admissions—even when the news isn’t pleasant—builds a foundation of trust. Children internalize the idea that 'telling the truth keeps me safe and connected,' rather than 'I need to avoid getting caught.' The best results come when parents are explicit that honesty makes them proud and that mistakes are natural opportunities for growth.

Ultimately, children learn honesty both from adult reactions to their lies and from watching how adults handle their own mistakes and social fibs. When openness is the norm and mistakes can be discussed without shame, lying loses its power.

The next time you catch your child stretching the truth or avoiding responsibility, try pausing before you accuse or threaten consequences. Instead, offer them a clear path to making things right, explicitly stating your appreciation for their honesty if they choose it. Avoid setting up questions whose answers you already know, especially when it might just make your child defensive. And notice the little ways you talk around the truth or make things sound better than they are—kids are paying close attention. When you demonstrate that truthfulness is safe and respected, you’ll see fewer lies and stronger connections.