Why Distraction and Denial of Pain Backfire—Face Difficult Emotions for True Growth

It’s late and the living room is quiet except for the hum of the fridge. You’re scrolling through your phone, awkward after another fight with your teenager. Part of you wants to text, 'Cheer up!' but something stops you. You remember your own adolescence—when well-meaning adults told you to 'put on a smile' or pointed out a joke when you just needed space for your feelings. The memory is sharp, a sort of ache, but you sit with it.

In the morning, your teenager appears bleary-eyed, and instead of changing the subject or offering a treat, you simply say, 'You seemed really down last night. Want to talk?' They look wary at first, but the invitation lingers. That evening, over leftovers, they mention the stress with classmates. You listen, nod, and say, 'Sounds rough,' no suggestions, just presence. Their shoulders drop and the conversation wanders elsewhere, lighter.

The science here is clear: ignoring or distracting from negative feelings doesn’t make them go away, but pushes them deeper, where they can shape self-esteem or reappear as anxiety. Sitting with pain—your own or another’s—makes it bearable and builds grit.

This week, notice every time you want to distract yourself or someone else from a difficult emotion. Slow down, name the feeling, and stick with it instead of moving on too quickly—be that with a child after a disappointment or a partner in sadness. If you feel awkward or helpless, let that be okay, too. Share a little about how you deal with tough emotions, making it normal to feel and heal, not just 'move on.' You’ll see resilience and trust deepen each day.