How You Talk to Yourself Becomes Your Child’s Inner Voice—Break the Cycle of Self-Criticism

You stand in the bathroom, glancing at yourself in the mirror. That familiar voice pipes up—‘You’re not qualified for this. Why bother?’ It’s an echo, one you can’t quite trace, but it colors your day. Later, getting a snack for your daughter, you hear her sigh, ‘I’ll never be as good as Lucas at drawing.’ Something in your stomach twists—it’s the same sour note.

That evening, you intentionally pay attention to your inner monologue, jotting down every time you hear, ‘Not good enough,’ or, ‘You’re sure to mess up.’ By nine o’clock, there’s a page full of lines, some tracing back to a critical aunt, most echoing your own voice. The next morning, you decide to respond differently. When your daughter drops her cup, you shrug and say, ‘Happens to me too, love. I guess we’ll try again together.’ Her shoulders ease. You even say aloud, ‘Making mistakes is just learning in action,’ only half sure you believe it, but she grins. Something shifts.

Research shows that children’s self-talk is deeply influenced by what they see and hear from trusted adults. By naming your critic and dealing with it compassionately, you not only free yourself, but you offer your child a more generous, encouraging inner voice they’ll carry for years.

Start by jotting down every harsh or negative thought you notice about yourself today, even the ones that seem silly. When those inner criticisms crop up, don’t fight them—just let them pass, saying they’re entitled to exist, but they don’t get the final word. Take one step your inner critic normally talks you out of, like trying a new recipe or speaking up in a group, and focus on what parts you enjoyed or learned from. When your child is nearby, let them overhear you being gentle with yourself about setbacks. You’ll be surprised how practicing self-compassion shows up not only in your own mood but in theirs. Try it this week.