Building an Internal Locus of Control to Combat Learned Helplessness from Early Adversity

You’ve noticed your child growing quiet and withdrawn after setbacks—a failed spelling test, a disagreement at soccer practice. The easy option is to jump in, fix the problem, or tell them it doesn’t matter, but you remember reading about 'learned helplessness'—how kids who’ve been through a lot can start believing nothing they do matters. Instead, you try something new: at dinner, rather than picking the meal, you ask your child to choose. The response is cautious at first, but later there’s a small spark of pride as pancakes and fruit end up on the menu.

Later that week, your child struggles with homework. This time, you resist the urge to step in with answers, focusing on encouraging effort: “I see you working hard—what’s another way you might try this?” When frustration surfaces, you share your own story about failing your first driving test and trying again, which earns a smirk. You suggest brainstorming solutions together—sometimes theirs are better than yours.

Behavioral theories on locus of control show that children with trauma often develop an external locus—they feel powerless, waiting for adults to fix everything or blame fate for setbacks. Research shows that giving kids real choices, combined with praise for effort and optimistic feedback, can turn this around. Over time, tiny daily decisions add up to a growing sense of agency.

Tomorrow, decide on one small area—like breakfast, after-school activities, or what music to play in the car—where your child can make a real, meaningful choice. When challenges come up, pause, encourage effort, and work through solutions together rather than stepping in right away. Share your own small failures and how you bounced back, reinforcing the lesson that setbacks are part of learning and not a verdict on self-worth. Watch for even minor shifts in confidence; they’re the seeds of resilience.