Why your boss's response to bad news changes everything that follows

Imagine you've had a strong year at work, and your manager all but promised you a raise at your review. Then she sits you down and says the budget's been slashed, your job is safe, but the raise isn't happening this year. Now sit with the tangle that follows: relief that you still have income, disappointment that a promise fell through, maybe some anger too.

Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy uses this scenario to illustrate a principle she calls "two things are true," and how your manager handles what comes next matters enormously. If she runs into you the next day looking deflated and says, "Come on, be grateful you still have a job," something in you tightens. You might spiral into blaming yourself for being ungrateful, or blaming her for being dismissive, and either way you likely end up quietly resentful and less motivated. But if she instead says, "I couldn't make the raise happen, and I get that you're disappointed, I'd feel the same way," the whole moment shifts. She hasn't changed her decision. She's simply refused to insist that only one reality gets to exist.

Kennedy argues that most conflict, between colleagues, partners, or parents and children, collapses into exactly this trap: a "one thing is true" standoff where each person feels compelled to prove the other one wrong in order to feel real and heard. She points to research on close relationships, including the Gottman Method's emphasis on accepting a partner's perspective as valid, and psychologist Faye Doell's finding that people who listen in order to understand, rather than to respond, report higher relationship satisfaction, as evidence that this shift in stance changes outcomes far beyond parenting.

Applied to a child, it sounds like this: "I've decided you can't watch that movie, and you're allowed to be furious about it." The decision doesn't move. But the child isn't left alone with the fury, either. Kennedy is careful to note that this isn't a trick that produces instant calm; a child can still be mad after hearing it. What changes is that the relationship survives the disagreement, because nobody had to lose in order to be seen.

Begin in your very next disagreement by noticing whether you're trying to understand the other person or convince them you're right, because that distinction alone changes how you show up. When you need to hold a boundary, say both truths aloud, something like, I've made this decision, and you're allowed to be upset about it, then stop there instead of piling on more justification. Practice this on something small first, maybe screen time or a snack, before trying it in a harder moment. Let the two truths sit side by side in your own self-talk too, instead of forcing yourself to pick only one.