Why True Empathy Is Harder Than You Think—and the Game-Changer for Broken Relationships

Marshall Rosenberg's journey is filled with stories that illustrate why empathy, while simple on the surface, is often the hardest skill to master. Early in his career, he noticed how most people—including himself—tended to react to strong emotions with reassurance, advice, or defensiveness. What finally set his work apart were encounters in war-torn communities and classrooms, where he dared to simply listen under the surface. In one telling moment, he sat with a stranger, labeled an ‘enemy’ by circumstance, who shouted accusations and blame. Instead of fighting back or defending himself, Rosenberg kept focusing on what the person might be feeling—their pain, their unmet needs for safety, dignity, or recognition. He quietly reflected back what he guessed was alive in them, even when he wasn't certain he was right.

After minutes of this relentless, gentle attention, the anger drained away, replaced by tears and—incredibly—a willingness to talk about solutions. Rosenberg repeated this process around the globe, from skeptical classrooms to intense negotiations. Time and again, people softened once they detected the absence of judgment or agenda. Some sociologists call this “holding space,” a rare phenomenon where one person’s listening presence literally lowers another’s physiological stress level and calms the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector.

Empathy, as he often explained, breaks cycles of retaliation and opens doors to reconciliation, even where hope seems lost. The absence of easy answers is its greatest gift: empathy doesn’t fix the past or undo mistakes, but it gives people a chance to recalibrate, reconnect, and move forward with new insight. This is why he insisted on practicing empathy in the midst of emotion—not just in calm moments—because it’s the only thing powerful enough to transform relationships stuck in blame and pain.

If someone close to you is upset, try to pause instead of jumping to advice or solutions and simply give them your presence. Listen with your whole self, offer a short reflection of what you hear—like ‘Sounds like you’re really annoyed about this’—and then just stop and wait. This level of sincere attention can feel odd at first, but nearly always brings relief or a sense of being valued. Practice this listening without agenda in your next tense conversation—you may find it’s the turning point that brings honest repair and genuine understanding.