The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desireby David Deida
David Deida wrote this timeless book over 20 years ago in 1997. It’s a highly recommended read for everyone.
Part 1: A Man’s Way
“The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way. They won’t.”
Most men tend to think that one day everything will change for the better. That one day women will understand him on a fundamental level. One day, they will be able to do what they really love. This one day will never happen if you don’t make it happen. If you don’t start today and don’t spend at least one hour a day building your new future, nothing will change.
A man who really wants something cannot be stopped by limited money, time, or family obligations.
Similarly, you may believe that one day your woman will change on a fundamental level. Don’t wait for it. If her mood or behavior is intolerable to you, leave her. Don’t assume she will leave you first. It may never happen.
A man must free himself from the expectations and criticism of his father in order to be a free man. How many times have you tried to please your father? How many times have you made undesirable decisions just to avoid your father’s criticism?
A man does not hide his fears. He acknowledges them. Every man has his limits, his capacity for growth, and his destiny. And he must not be trying to be someone else; he must be himself. Only then he is valuable as a good company for other men because he can be trusted to be authentic and fully present.
A man has his deepest goals, and he holds onto them. Without them, he is lost, always striving. It’s necessary for a man to always have this ever-fresh realization and goals, and organize his life around them.
What’s more, his purpose should always come before his relationship. Otherwise, he will weaken himself, do a disservice to the universe, and cheat his woman out of an authentic man who can offer her help and his undivided presence. Your purpose is first and most important; however, remember to give your woman undivided attention every day for 30 minutes. It’s better for her to have your full attention for a set period of time, instead of receiving your distracted attention throughout the day.
Actions to take
Part 2: Dealing with women
“The masculine means what it says. A man’s word is his honor. The feminine says what it feels. A woman’s word is her true expression in the moment.”
What a woman says is the expression of what she feels at the moment. This means that you cannot listen to the exact words she is saying. Instead, listen to the emotions she is trying to communicate. When you ask her if she wants to go to the movies, her answer will reflect how she feels about it in the present moment. You may hug her, spin her around, and this may cause her answer to change.
It also means that you have to be fully responsible for making your own decisions. Your woman may change her mind, and you should never blame her for it. You can only blame yourself for not understanding her emotions.
It’s important to realize that masculine power grows through challenges. While feminine power grows through praise. Challenging yourself will make you feel more masculine, and receiving praise will make women feel more feminine. That’s why it is important not to forget to praise your woman often. If you want your woman to grow in health, happiness, love, beauty, power, and depth, praise these qualities.
Your woman can be moody. It’s in her nature. If you accept it, you will show your weakness. However, it does not mean that you should discuss it, analyze it, or suggest that she fix it. That would not work. Instead, open her moods with your skillful loving. It’s the give you can give her. Be creative with giving her your love.
Actions to take
Part 3: Working with polarity and energy
“If you feel uncomfortable with your attraction to women, you are probably uncomfortable with your own masculine essence.”
About 80 percent of men have predominantly masculine energy, and those men are more attracted to feminine energy. Not just feminine women, but everything feminine. Feminine gets you out of your head to your body. It’s in our nature to be attracted to the other gender. It’s the polarity between us.
You might have learned that showing your attraction to women is “bad” or “evil.” This leads to some negative attitudes you may have about your attraction to women. Your attraction to women is natural, normal, and beautiful. And it may finally lead toward spiritual freedom.
There is a difference between sexual attraction and having sex. The first one is part of you and you cannot control it. And there is no reason to do so. However, intimacy is a choice between two people who want to commit to loving and serving one another.
The more masculine a man is, the more feminine woman he will attract. And it’s important to choose a woman that is the complementary opposite. Only then will you both polarize on a proper level. Think of what qualities you are looking for in a woman. You cannot have everything. For example, business skills are mostly masculine skills. Friendship, in itself, is a neutral, nonsexual matter. And sexual passion requires a clear polarity between your masculine core and your woman’s feminine energy.
Actions to take
Part 4: What women really want
“If a man wants a woman who doesn’t want him, he cannot win. His neediness will undermine any possible relationship, and his woman will never be able to trust him.”
If you like a woman, but she doesn’t want to be with you, there is nothing you can do about it. Ask your friends to determine if she is just playing hard to get, or if she is simply not attracted to you. If it’s the latter, let it go.
Sometimes your woman will ask you to do something not for you to do it, but to see if you make the proper decision. You mustn’t try to please the woman. Instead, do what’s better according to your judgment. If you do otherwise, she will stop trusting you because you do not trust yourself. Always act to maintain your fullest consciousness. Your woman will not be disappointed if she feels that you are strong and clear in the true direction of your heart.
Your woman may complain about you, about your inaction, about financial problems, and so on. But what she is really complaining about is your lack of masculine capacity to direct your life with clarity, purpose, integrity, and wisdom. Money is secondary. For example, when you say you will do something important to her, and you don’t do it, she might stop trusting you. Because you gave her your word. And it hurts her deeply.
Your woman doesn’t want to be number one. She wants you to be dedicated to the highest purpose and to love her fully. If your happiness is strictly dependent on your woman, then your decisions will not be directed by your deepest sense of purpose, but by your woman. And you will begin to feel ambiguous in your life.
If a woman has a lot of masculine essence, then she will prefer to be in charge of the direction of your lives. For example, she may decide what city to live in. However, if your woman has a more feminine essence, then she wants you to take charge. This way, she can relax in her feminine essence. But she will take the charge again if you are unable to because she won’t be able to relax.
Actions to take
Part 5: Your dark side
“Among many other qualities, a woman wants the ‘killer’ in her man. She is turned off if her man is afraid and wants her to kill the cockroach or the mouse while he stands on a chair and watches.”
Men are always looking for freedom by escaping the constraint. This is your basic motivation. Men like things that have this exact motivation, for example, American football. Players are lined up in front and ready to block you. Then you break through them and carry the ball to freedom.
You have a dark side. Sometimes, it’s very dark. But women do as well. Very often your desire to pull your woman to the bed and rip off her clothes can be aligned with her desire for you to do so. So, it’s important to not be afraid of your desires.
The dark side of masculine energy is the warrior. And women are turned on by it. Women don’t want you to be a killer, but they want you to have the capacity to face death.
Part 6: Feminine attractiveness
“There is never a shortage of feminine energy, only a resistance to receiving, trusting, and embracing it.”
You might be in the moment of life where you feel that there are not enough women. You might feel that you don’t get what you want. You are simply negating your relationship with the feminine. The truth is that there is plenty of feminine energy around you, and you must learn to embrace this energy.
When you see a beautiful woman, it’s natural for you to feel an energy in your body. There is no point in dispersing this energy in mental fantasy. Instead, learn to circulate your heightened energy. Feel it fully. Let this energy inspire artistic, social, and spiritual creativity. When you create the habits of building up and releasing mental and sexual tension, you will magnify your inspiration.
Your attraction to women must be converted to attraction through women. A woman can be a distraction, an obsession, or a revelation. Notice what is your distraction or obsession—tits, ass, wealth, and fame, and practice revelation of oneness by feeling through the distraction or obsession.
Actions to take
Part 7: Body practices
“When a man ejaculates easily, he creates ongoing distrust in his woman. At a subtle level, she feels he cannot be trusted.”
Ejaculation is releasing tension. After a long day, we are looking forward to it to feel a moment of relaxation and emptiness.
There are many physical and spiritual reasons why you should convert standard ejaculation into a non-ejaculatory whole body, brain, and heart orgasm. However, there is also another reason, related to meeting your woman’s needs sexually and emotionally.
Your woman can be turned on by making you ejaculate, and she might feel unfulfilled if you don’t. However, there is a deeper part of her, that is sexually unfulfilled because of your tendency to ejaculate frequently and soon.
If ejaculation is not fully controlled by you, your woman knows she can control your sexuality. And if she knows it, she will not be able to relax fully in the force of your loving.
It’s natural for our bodies to get tense in different situations. For example, when you get nervous, your stomach tightens, or when you think hard, your forehead wrinkles. In the center of your belly is the place where your energy meets the energy of the world. When you open the front of your body, the energy flows freely. Most likely you have met men that feel as if they effortlessly occupy the entire room with their energy. They can accomplish this because the front of their body is opened, and the energy flows freely.
Deep breathing can release all the tension you have and help the energy flow freely. While breathing, think of every part of your body to find where you hold tension. Then focus on relaxing it.
Your breath is the primary expression of your energy. Therefore, your breath is one of the primary ways to give your gift to the world.
Also, breathe deeply during sex. Your energy accumulates in your genitals and breathing will make your energy move freely throughout your body. In this way, you can experience a much stronger orgasm, throughout your spine and not just in your genitals. If you would like to learn more about this topic, seek out The Enlightened Sex Manual by David Deida.
Actions to take
Part 8: Men’s and women’s yoga of intimacy
“Intimate relationship is never the priority in a masculine man’s life and always the priority in a feminine woman’s life.”
When your intimacy is going great, your woman will be very happy and feel fulfilled. When your intimacy is not going well, then your woman will feel rejected and hurt.
It’s different for you. When your intimacy is not going great, then you will work long hours and find fulfillment there. To you, intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to your purpose.
What’s more important, if your purpose or career is obstructed, you will no longer want to share much intimate time with your woman.
You are responsible for the direction of the growth of your relationship. Your woman is responsible for the energy of intimacy—pleasure, sexual flow, and vitality. It’s your job to know where you are, to know where you want to be, and to know how to get there. If not, do anything you can to discover it. It’s the gift you give to your woman and the world. Otherwise, your woman will feel cheated and neglected by you.
Women have the need to spend some time alone and some time with other women to rejuvenate feminine energy. The same is true for men. They must take the time to rejuvenate. Ideally, this should be a few weeks without much contact with other people, stress, and work. And also, they should meet other men every week. Otherwise, it might lead to stagnation and sexual neutralization.
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