Identify and release the attachments you use to get external validation


  1. Write down the many ways you seek approval from others
    For example: Do you always have to have your hair right? Do you use a non-threatening voice? Do you try hard to be unselfish? Do you avoid getting angry? Are you always in a good mood? Do you dress well or stay in shape to please others? Identify any behaviors that uniquely define you. You can also ask others for their feedback on how they see you seeking approval.

  2. Take a break from your approval-seeking behavior
    From your list of approval-seeking behaviors, chose one behavior and stop doing it for one month. For example, if you keep your car clean and shiny to please people, leave your car unwashed for one month. If you slip up and wash your car, tell someone you trust about it. Use this slip-up to figure out why you felt the need to get external approval.

  3. Interrogate what life would be like without your need for female validation
    Ask yourself: If I did not care what people thought of me, how would I live my life differently? If I were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would my relationships with the opposite sex be different?

  4. Identify instances where you’ve attempted to hide your flaws
    Write down examples of situations where you tried to hide or distract attention from your perceived shortcomings. For example, do you hide: When you’re depressed? When in pain? When you forget something? When you don’t understand something? When you’re losing your hair?

  5. Affirm your self-worth by doing good things for yourself
    Find good things you can do for yourself, for example, going for a walk, getting enough sleep, getting a massage, buying new shoes, or listening to music. Write down these activities and post the sheet of paper where you can see it. Choose one thing per day and do it yourself.

  6. Write down positive affirmations about yourself
    Make a list of positive affirmations on note cards and then place them where you can see them regularly. For example, “I am strong and powerful,” “People love and accept me just as I am,” or “My needs are important.” Change the cards often so they stay fresh. Read the affirmations and then close your eyes to fully embrace the meaning of the words. Pay attention to any tendency by your mind to reject the affirmations.

  7. Spend more time alone getting to know yourself
    Plan a week-long trip to a place where people don’t know you. You can go to the mountains, a foreign country or even a seaside resort. Use this time for self-reflection and self-care, and journal your observations. When you go back home, observe how you’ve changed and how long it takes you to revert to familiar patterns.


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